


If I Forget You

by youbecamemyhabit



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Amnesiac Seo Youngho | Johnny, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempt at Humor, Car Accidents, Friends to Lovers, Height Differences, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Johnil Rise 2k19, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Other Members' Appearances, Taeil is just doing his best, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-01-13 01:59:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18459131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youbecamemyhabit/pseuds/youbecamemyhabit
Summary: “You good, hyung?” He asked, in English.“Yeah, just a scratch. And I feel a bit dizzy, I don’t know why.”Leaning over him, Johnny’s presence felt so homelike that Taeil was prone to lean forward. He didn’t.“I know why.” His voice dropped a tone as the corners of his mouth quirked up. “It’s because I’m going to rock your world, Moon Taeil.”The older man cackled with his entire body at such cheesiness.Little did Taeil know that that was the last time he would ever see Johnny before a storm wreaked havoc in their lives, leaving an everlasting mark on the way they kept living — haunting, full of regret.





	1. Suh & Moon

**Author's Note:**

> hello!!! this is my second work on johnil here and i hope it's good~~~  
> thank you @bloominggays and @seothighs for reading a bit of this work and thinking it was good! love you <3
> 
> anyways, enjoy (or not)

_DECEMBER, 2018_

_“HYUNG!”_

This is the story of how Taeil died.

Alright, not really. But the thought crossed his mind, alongside a bunch of other things that were surprisingly true about the tales of almost-dying experiences — life flashing before his eyes, a certain detachment from time and space and it’s almost as if you’re watching yourself from outside your body, like in a movie. One must always fall, as gravity demanded, so Taeil did.

But what he crashed into wasn’t quite what he expected.

His back collided against someone’s chest and collarbones, that much Taeil could tell, suddenly letting out a booming gasp previously stuck in his throat; the world was spinning too fast for him to catch up, and his ears buzzing as if a bomb had exploded next to him wasn’t of much help.

Louder noises — voices? — grew in the background and a hand leisurely moved up his chest, as if it was checking if Taeil was okay. That’s when realization that there was an actual human being under him dawned on Taeil, and he tried to get off of them as soon as possible. Difficult task, though; the arm around his torso held him tight, and the dizziness that roundhouse kicked Taeil in the head had him inhaling sharply, fighting for oxygen as he laid back over the person’s chest with a small thump.

“Oh my god!” A woman’s voice, Taeil now could pick up. No idea about its owner, though. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Said a muffled voice next to him, so familiar that Taeil recognized it in a second.

That’s when he jolted forward, ignoring his back pain and how his legs still trembled like jelly, letting himself be hit by the smell of hot asphalt, car smoke and, unexpectedly, kimchi stew.

“SHIT!” Taeil’s eyes widened like two little moons at the sight of who was under him, while a small crowd gathered around them by the edge of the sidewalk. “Joh—”

“Are you okay?” His sotto voce, somehow, cut through the noisy ambience, follow by a grunt.

How very Johnny Seo.

The younger man had a bruise on his face, an apparently wounded arm he was hissing at, but still had the nerve of asking the person he saved from being run over by a bus if he was okay.

“I—I—I…” God, it had never been so hard to breathe. “I’m fine.”

Just in time, two random students helped Johnny to sit up, asking him if he wanted a ride to the hospital.

“Nah, man.” He declined, in English — it was a habit of his to throw a few English words in the middle of his sentences, then switch back to Korean. “Don’t need to.”

“You have to.” Taeil frowned at the man, pushing himself up to sit beside his friend on the sidewalk. A feeble vertigo came back. “Why—You got hurt…”

Johnny sighed, and a loud groan ensued as he ran a hand across his own back, probably trying to soothe the pain.

“How the hell didn’t you see the bus?” Johnny asked instead, rather frustrated with him. “You could have died if I wasn’t around!”

45 hours without sleep and a single bowl of ramen might turn you into a zombie, but Taeil had to finish his final project for that semester, only dreaming of all the days he’d have to sleep for endless hours once he got back home for the winter break.

The crowd around them dispersed into the streets of the campus before Taeil and Johnny could’ve paid proper attention, and suddenly the older man remembered that he was finally free until next year, flashing a half-smile at nothing or nowhere in particular.

“I didn’t even…” Taeil turned his face back to his friend again. “See? Shit, ah… I was just… going back to the dorms on autopilot.”

“Goddamnit, hyung.” He sighed, letting his raven-haired bangs fall over his face. “I’m going to tell Taeyong about this.”

Taeil scoffed.

“Do it. Do it and I will tell Doyoung you don’t want to go to a hospital after this.”

A melodramatic wheeze came from Johnny’s mouth.

“You _can’t_. His overly-caring-sense is probably already tingling.”

“Well, seems like we have reached a deadlock here.” Taeil chuckled, feeling the scratches on his hand itch a little. “Can you walk?”

The winter breeze of that afternoon wasn’t gentle at all, but Taeil believed they were warmed up by the memory of the frightening situation of, well, almost dying, so their stroll back to their dorms — same building, different floors — was unhurried as it could be, just interrupted by Johnny’s moans that told him that he needed to rest for a minute.

Obviously, Taeil wasn’t going to deny that to the man who stopped him from leaving that physical realm of reality.

As soon as they reached the second floor — Taeil’s floor —, the memory of how he met Johnny abruptly swarmed his mind.

Freshman year.

A younger, full of hope, fresh out of high school Moon Taeil struggled to carry his suitcase all the way up to his floor when he spotted a tall, broad-shouldered red-haired boy with his hand stuck inside the vending machine right at the end of the corridor, squirming for his snack as if his life depended on it.

Up to that day, Taeil still didn’t know why he approached Johnny. He was never one of interacting with strangers, but wasn’t uncomfortable around them to the point of avoiding it at all costs. Something about the gravitational field of that tall boy drew Taeil towards him, so he let himself be carried away to whatever life had stored for him.

“Excuse me?” Taeil said, panting a little bit from hauling his suitcase around. “What are you doing?”

Locks of red hair brusquely jolted upwards at the sound of his voice, and he remembered clearly how he thought that such act was almost adorable.

“I paid for my crab chips.” He replied fiercely, in a tone way too serious for what that situation demanded. “I’m gonna GET my crab chips.”

In all honesty, Taeil wanted to laugh. First, because there was a damn vending machine in a building that seemed older than his grandparents’ grandparents, and second because that situation could’ve been solved of the simplest way.

One kick against the machine was enough to drop the bag of chips where it was supposed to, but Johnny was so startled by his action that he pulled his hand away before he could get it.

“See?” The older pursed his lips into a shy smile. “If it doesn’t work, kick it.”

To what a flabbergasted Johnny, now staring at Taeil as if the latter hung the stars in the sky every night, simply responded with…

“I think I’m in love with you.”

Of course it wasn’t serious.

It wasn’t that serious how Johnny insisted on carrying his suitcase all the way to his room, which was like, 2 meters away from the vending machine, and told Taeil at least half of his life in that short path — born in Korea, moved to Chicago till the beginning of his teenage years, then moved back to Korea, actual name being Youngho, but preferred to be called Johnny, single child, _specifically_ not a basketball player, Music major just like Taeil but with a minor in Photography, living two floors above his dorm room with Jaehyun, his Journalism major roommate.

It wasn’t _that_ serious that the younger man frequently appeared at places he was with a myriad of excuses for it and declared himself Taeil’s friend, but, somehow, he felt a little less awkward about existing when Johnny was around, so he didn’t point out how the man lacked in subtleness.

It _was_ that serious, though, as proved by one hot Thursday night of July, 2 years after their first encounter, when Johnny showed up at his doorstep and confessed his feelings for him.

At first, Taeil froze on spot for God-knows-how-long only to mutter an _okay_ and close the door of his room on Johnny’s face, because that’s what his brain thought it was the right thing to do at that moment. Debatable, of course, but nothing that stopped Johnny to make sure the older understood he was being _serious_ by shooting him love sick stares every time he saw Taeil, with a purpose that the latter didn’t quite understand, contrary to the younger’s feelings about it being clear enough by asking Taeil out multiple times — he always shrugged it off, chuckling, that he never had time for that and that, maybe, Johnny should ask someone else.

Johnny never did.

“Ouch!” The man whined like a child as Taeil put ointment on the bruise on his face, at the top of his right cheek. “Hyung…”

“Sorry.” Taeil muttered under his breath, stirring beside the younger on his bed with the first-aid kit Yuta kept in their bathroom. “I’m not the best at this.”

What appeared in Johnny’s eyes was something close to regret.

“No, no, no, hyung.” He said, using that American accent that Taeil found it pleasant to hear. “It's fine. You…”

With his head casted down, Taeil heard Johnny say a long sentence in English that he didn’t understand at all; you see, he could understand better if people talked slowly, but his friend definitely wasn’t one of those.

“What did you say?” He questioned, putting the first-aid box beside him on the bed.

“Hmm… I… I asked if Yuta left already.”

“Yeah.” Taeil nodded, licking his lips. “He saved money all year for that trip to Singapore with Taeyong and Doyoung, remember?”

“Oh, yeah, right.” Johnny chuckled, scratching the back of his neck, which only caused him to let out a pained groan. “Can someone please get that man a boyfriend or a girlfriend so he will stop thirdwheeling YongYoung?”

The older snorted.

“YongYoung?”

“That’s their couple name.” He explained, letting out a tiny grunt when he moved his hand behind his back. “Taeyong chose it, and you know Dons can’t say no to Tae’s kitty face.”

“Right.” Taeil nodded, more interested in the discomfort his friend was feeling. “Where does it hurt?”

“My right arm…” He brought forth, with a candid tone that was close to endearing for someone of that size. “My ribs, a little bit. The impact was rough, but I don’t think it’s serious.”

“Hmm, okay.” His words came out almost inaudible as he fumbled inside the first-aid box. “Lift up your shirt.”

As expected, his friend feigned a shocked gasp, bringing a hand over his mouth.

“Hyung! What about my honor?”

“Don’t be annoying.” He chortled, gesturing towards his torso with a different ointment in hand. “Come on.”

“You could buy me a drink first, you know.”

Taeil couldn’t hold back a chortle.

“Sure. Now let me—”

“Really?” Johnny sounded between overenthusiastic and staggered enough to finish his sentence in English. “For real?”

“Seo Youngho.” Taeil tried to use his Hyung Tone™ (sometimes it worked), glaring at the younger man.

Instead of feeling intimidated, Johnny shot him a gummy smile and started pulling his shirt up, hissing a bit throughout the process.

Sure, his friend was an abs guy. So what? It wasn’t like Taeil’s gaze lingered on the man for a little bit longer every time he had seen him shirtless, and had only was reminded of that after he asked Johnny to lift the damn thing up. Nothing to be overreacted, he told himself. After all, he lived in a building full of men; Taeil had seen more abs than he could count since his neighbors had the habit of walking around shirtless, especially during the hot days. It wasn’t a big deal _at all_.

Or that’s what Taeil told himself as he cleared his throat, gesturing for Johnny to turn around so he could apply the ointment on his back.

“Ouch, ouch, ouch! There!” The younger wailed, squirming a bit.

“Stay put.” Taeil asked, as he slid his hand up and down on Johnny’s back. “Does it hurt anywhere here?”

“My ribs, in the front.”

_Let’s not get distracted, Taeil._

Avoiding eye contact at all costs, Taeil applied the cream as carefully and fast as it could be seen as normal, fumbling behind himself for the pack of bandages.

“Arms, up.” He commanded, and Johnny promptly obeyed.

With the bandage pack in hands, Taeil tried to cover all over the areas he had applied the pain-relieving cream and held it in place by tying it with surgical tape.

“You’re good at this for real.” Johnny commented as he pulled his shirt down.

“Yuta gets sore a lot while playing soccer.” Taeil replied, applying the ointment on his friend’s right arm. “Had to learn some things to help that idiot.”

“Don’t do that again.” Something in the way his friend’s voice became deeper made the older feel tense. “I don’t want to even… imagine something bad happening to you.”

Taeil let out a tired sigh.

“I’m fine, Johnny. It was just… Anyway, you were there to save from certain death.”

“One day I maybe won’t be.”

“It was just…” Another sigh, more fatigued. “This semester almost killed me. Now I’m free, I’ll take care of myself. Don’t worry.”

“So, when are you buying me a drink?”

With a half-smile, Taeil raised an eyebrow at him.

“You literally know _everybody_ in this university.” He chuckled nervously, fixating his gaze in gathering the materials he used to put them back in the first-aid box. “Pretty sure there’s…”

“There’s no one like you.” He heard Johnny say, still too flustered to face his friend. “I’ve been asking you out for a whole year. You really don’t like me like _that_?”

Although his mouth agape indicated he had something to say, Taeil couldn’t find the words to explain it to himself; whatever bloomed in his chest throughout those years of friendship and cheap instant coffee shared in-between classes was pushed to the back of Taeil’s mind to prioritize his studies and his profound fear that a relationship could make this messy, so he just truly didn’t know what to say.

Johnny was everything a man or a woman could ever ask. He was smart, kind, freakishly tall and handsome — the man was good at every damn thing he ever tried, who wouldn’t want to be his partner?

So how could those compliments and flirting lines be directed to someone who turned him down over and over again? It didn’t feel right to hear from Johnny’s mouth that he wanted Taeil, out of all people who were clearly prettier, smarter and taller than him — a joke of the universe that struck him in the exact phase of his life that he told himself that dating and falling in love could be postponed.

But there was Taeil, one year after Johnny’s confession, considering not to dodge that request and put their friendship at risk, even though that was something he treasured a lot. Would it be worth it potentially destroying their relationship over a date or a ki—

“You’re spacing out on me again.” Johnny cackled, tilting his head with a smirk on his face. “Sure, I won’t ask you again, if that’s—”

“After the winter break.” Taeil suddenly spouted, faster than his brain could keep up with what he was saying. “Yeah…”

Johnny’s eyes widened at his response, genuinely so stunned that he spent a solid minute just staring at Taeil with an open mouth.

“SERIOUSLY?” The taller man questioned in English, along with a chuckle. In his excitement, he even got back on his feet.

“Yeah.” Taeil nodded, averting his gaze.

“No takesy backsy!” Johnny pointed a cautionary finger at him, forgetting that his arm was still aching.

“This American expression is silly.” The older sneered, opening the first-aid box again to fetch something he forgot. “But so are you…”

The younger man frowned cutely at him.

“Meanie.”

“Take it.” Taeil offered him half tablet of muscle relaxers; Yuta constantly was taking those after his matches. “It will help if you feel pain later.”

“Oh, no.” He sounded dismissive, but still grabbed the tablet anyway. “No harm shall fall upon me until I take Moon Taeil out on a date! I’m immortal from now on!”

Taeil cackled at his theatrics, letting his back hit the bed as he buried his nails in his hands, with no memory that one of his hands was a little bruised.

As soon as a tiny ouch bolted from his mouth, Johnny was towering over him.

“You good, hyung?” He asked, in English.

“Yeah, just a scratch. And I feel a bit dizzy, I don’t know why.”

Leaning over him, Johnny’s presence felt so homelike that Taeil was prone to lean forward. He didn’t.

“I know why.” His voice dropped a tone as the corners of his mouth quirked up. “It’s because I’m going to rock your world, Moon Taeil.”

The older man cackled with his entire body at such cheesiness.

Little did Taeil know that that was the last time he would ever see Johnny before a storm wreaked havoc in their lives, leaving an everlasting mark on the way they kept living — haunting, full of regret.

 

_SECOND WEEK OF JANUARY, 2019_

_“TAEIL!”_

Rather than the scream, the abrupt squeak of the door as it crashed against the wall of his bedroom scared the living shit out of Taeil, who bolted upright in bed as if a jolt of electricity had run through his body.

“Wh—”

“Taeil…”

His mother stood by the entrance, panting, with her phone on her hand. Taeil’s guts immediately told him something was wrong.

“What?” He inquired, drowsily getting off of bed. “Mom… what?”

While holding his breath, Taeil looked around his bedroom completely plunged into darkness and concluded it was already night, although he was not really aware of time itself. All he remembered was going to bed in the middle of the afternoon.

Words never came to Taeil when he needed them the most, so he just stared at his mother until she spoke again.

“Taeil…” She was measuring her words, he could tell. That was the voice she used when Taeil failed a class in school — stern, but tender. “You need to stay calm.”

“I’m calm.” Taeil replied right away, voice trying not to waver. “Dad? My sister?”

“They…” In-between the second of this pause, Taeil felt his heart about to explode from thumping so fast. “They are fine. But…”

“Mom!” Despair ran through his blood stream, making him almost yell. “What’s going on?”

“You should check your phone.”

 

Everything, every single thing from the call he made as soon as he plugged his phone to charge to how he forgot to grab a thicker coat for that icy winter night made Taeil feel like he was in a nightmare he couldn’t wake up to; it didn’t feel real that such thing was happening, because it should never have happened. Why such disgrace would fall upon the person who deserved only good things in his life? Why did Taeil fall asleep and didn’t get there sooner? Why Taeil felt like he was running out of time, running so fast so that, maybe, he’d be able to go back in time and protect him from harm? Why _him_?

Questions fated to be unanswered, but that didn’t fail to make Taeil feel like the world was suddenly completely wrong.

Three of their closest friends were already at the hospital when he got there, around 11:00 p.m.

“Where is he?” Taeil asked Jaehyun, who was leaning against the wall of the waiting room. He looked almost totally drained of energy.

Their friends’ visible despondent miens cracked another part of his soul, and Taeil had to remind himself to keep breathing if he wanted to see Johnny, no matter how much it hurt to take a deep breath.

“Hyung…” It was Ten who spoke among them. Beside him on the hospital’s chairs was Kun, Ten’s boyfriend.

“Where is Johnny?” Taeil’s voice wouldn’t falter, he couldn’t allow it. But it did get a bit higher with his anguish. “Where is Johnny?”

“Surgery.” Jaehyun now spoke, crossing his arms over his chest. “He is not…”

“Not what?” Something acrid crossed his chest and dropped to his stomach.

Taeil didn’t know where to look, what to say, or if he wanted to hear anything about it.

“Like I told you on the phone…” Jaehyun continued, running a hand through his hair. “Johnny was the one driving. His parents were in the backseat, so they… they’re receiving treatment, but the doctor told us not to worry about them. It was rougher on Johnny, when the car rolled over a couple of times… He hit his head…”

“He’s alive, right?” Taeil’s forehead puckered as he waited for a response, even though the confirmation was the only thing he needed to hear.

“Yes.” His friend took a weight off of his shoulders. “We need to wait for more details. Yuta, Doyoung and Taeyong are on the next flight back home right now.”

“You told them?” Taeil asked, trying to distract himself from how badly his hands trembled.

“Doyoung is Johnny’s emergency contact.” Ten told him, wrapping an arm around Kun’s shoulders. “He called Jaehyunnie and… we’re here.”

“I see…” The older man swallowed, blinking multiple times to adjust himself to that cruel reality. That enormous hospital felt like a solitary cell, and its walls were getting closer and closer to squeeze Taeil to death.

“Are you…” A soothing voice came from somewhere, but the buzzing in Taeil’s ears was louder than all voices.

Why that was happening? Would he ever be the same Johnny he knew? Would he survive? What if he _didn’t_?

“Hyung!” A hand shook his shoulder, and even though he felt numb to any touch, it snapped him back to reality. It was Kun, the owner of the voice from before. “Are you okay?”

“No.” Taeil didn’t miss a beat. “I’m not fine. I want to see Johnny. I need to see him.”

“You can’t.” Ten told him, and it pissed him off a little. “We have to believe he’s going to be fine.”

“Right.” He let out the breath he was holding, trying to pinpoint the strong feeling running across his chest. “Right, right.”

So Taeil waited.

The clock moved forward way too fast for him to keep up from the corner of the waiting room he quarantined himself to; at some point, Taeil heard Doyoung, Taeyong and Yuta arrive fresh from the airport, with their luggage and everything, and kept his responses at the basics “yes” and “no”, because he still didn’t find it in him to express what he really wanted to say — if words could ever convey how badly he wanted to be next to Johnny. But to speak meant to acknowledge what was happening, that all of that wasn’t the nightmare Taeil was trying so hard to wake up from, and that he had to live with that from now on.

_“No harm shall fall upon me until I take Moon Taeil out on a date! I’m immortal from now on!”_

The first hours of the morning finally brought news about Johnny’s condition.

Even though his surgery was a success, they had to wait more to see how he’d react to it, giving them no estimative of when their friend was going to wake up. The doctor also informed that his parents were okay, but had to have them sedated in order to make them rest and let their bodies properly recover — apparently, they were constantly asking about Johnny, but the staff didn’t tell them yet about their son’s situation yet.

That’s when Taeil, who hadn’t spoken a word in hours, jumped forward with a request.

“Can I see him in ICU?”

The doctor frowned at him with her small eyes.

“I don’t think—”

She seemed nice, Taeil thought. She probably worked all night, and he understood that she wasn’t inclined to to make favors but…

“Just through the glass.” Doyoung meddled in, voice coming behind Taeil before placing a hand on the latter’s shoulder. “Just 1 minute. Please.”

For a few seconds, she looked between Taeil and Doyoung a couple of times before crossing her arms over her chest.

“1 minute.” The doctor agreed, and Taeil felt so happy that he could actually cry. “And just one person. Is it going to be you?”

“Yes.” Doyoung replied for him, giving him a little push.

Taeil turned around to face his friend.

“Doyoung, maybe you should go…”

“It’s you.” The taller man reassured him, settling his hands on Taeil’s shoulders. “Johnny hyung would want to see you first.”

Looking away with a bit of awkwardness, Taeil nodded and followed the doctor inside the hospital.

It was a sight even more devastating than he could’ve had imagined. Johnny’s head was completely bandaged as he lied in that hospital bed looking almost lifeless; as for the rest of his body, it seemed better than Taeil thought it’d be. Scratches across his face and arms were at display, and it made him wish he could take care of those wounds himself, like he did on the day he saw Johnny for the last time before going home.

_“I’m fine, Johnny. It was just… Anyway, you were there to save from certain death.”_

_“One day I may not be.”_

 

* * *

 

_13 HOURS AGO_

“Hey mom!” Johnny shouted, waking up his dad who dozed off with his head against the window. “MOM! MOOOOOOM!”

“Jesus, boy.” His dad groaned with displease, and Johnny let out a giggle as he turned up the radio.

“It’s that song!” He energetically said, pointing at the radio. “LISTEN!”

A loud honk coming from the cards behind him was a reminder that the light was now green, and he had to keep moving.

“I remember, son.” His mother calmly spoke, smiling at him through the rearview mirror. “It was the song the was playing when I first saw your father. So lovely.”

_Like a song of love that clings to me,_

_How the thought of you does things to me_

_Never before_

_Has someone been more..._

“Mom, where do you think is good place for a first date?” Seizing the opportunity, Johnny asked as they spotted at another red light. As he turned around a bit, he now faced his parents with expectance. “Fancy or not fancy?”

“You’re finally going on a date?” His dad’s wide eyes showed genuine surprise. “Wait, did Taeil…”

“YEAH!” He laughed, and his whole body jiggled with happiness. “FINALLY!”

“Oh, dear.” His mother beamed at him, leaning forward to cup his cheek for a couple of seconds before he started driving again. “I’m so glad you are—”

_That's why, darling, it's incredible_

Instead of noticing how violent the collision against his car was, Johnny’s brain perceived things in a slow motion that was almost supernatural; his limbs, moving up and down amidst the pieces of glass crossing his face to scatter themselves around him, felt almost unreal to the point of Johnny having to look down on himself to confirm that he was, indeed, the one in there.

After the faux calm, the loudness of metal crashing against asphalt pierced through his ears like a lightning bolt and that’s when Johnny finally screamed, hyperaware of all that was true about those moments between the seconds that his car rolled over and over again.

_Breathe in, breathe out, breath in—_

The pain was now everywhere all at once, like a wave of sharp knives; his ears seemed about to explode with the undying squeak coming from his surroundings and the hit was now a real thing that was happening to him, and his parents…

He heard screams, he remembered, but didn’t associate them by being from his parents. Their wretched silence was the worst thing that could’ve ever happened in the multitude of scenarios running through his head, so Johnny tried to turn around to check on them, but his head crashed against a piece of metal that came from nowhere and Johnny felt himself bleeding.

_That someone so unforgettable_

Gradually, then all at once, the pain began to overtake his being and Johnny simply didn’t have energy to fight back. Not that he didn’t want to, but his brain simply thought it was easier to give in than to fight a battle he couldn’t win; for a while, the song that the radio insisted in playing on the background was nothing but a buzz drilling its way into his head.

Johnny could tell he was about to pass out, impotent to do anything else.

_Thinks that I am_

_Unforgettable, too_

Before his last thread of strength came to an end, Johnny wondered if he was about to die. Although the possibility itself made it even harder for him to keep breathing, Johnny begged the Gods for one more chance to see Taeil’s face again.

In the dream within a dream, Taeil sat beside him on a bench in a colorless space, smiling brightly at Johnny as he leaned forward to convey a message.

_“Come back to me.”_


	2. Didn't know me, didn't know you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again after 84 years  
> i finally finished this chapter and it's not really that good, but it's an important part to develop the story  
> i've had a few bad times lately so it was also a factor to how fucken late this is
> 
> anyways,  
> enjoy (or not)

Taeil woke up to his phone buzzing and vibrating somewhere under his body while the twilight drowned his bedroom in a crooked grey wave. Fright kept him alert quickly, hands fumbling around the sheets of his bed until they landed on his phone, hot against his palm as he tried to slid his thumb against the screen.

Ever since Johnny’s accident, a week before, Taeil was surviving on small naps throughout the day while he waited for his turn to watch over Johnny; his friends had to remove him physically out of the hospital and at home, Taeil couldn’t keep his eyes closed for much longer.

So, still a bit groggy, Taeil squinted at the screen of his phone.

6 missed calls from Ten.

10 missed calls from Doyoung.

11 new messages from Doyoung.

His heart dropped to his stomach and Taeil held his breath unconsciously. What if Johnny’s condition had worsened? The doctors said he was doing better than most in his situation, regardless of still being in coma for an entire week. But what if…

Doyoung’s first message had him jumping off his bed so fast that he crossed the room all the way to the bathroom within a couple of seconds.

From: **Kim Doyoungie**

[1:12 p.m.]

HE WOKE UP

HYUNG

JOHNNY WOKE UP

[1:15 p.m.]

PICK UP THE PHONE

GOD

[1:25 p.m.]

The doctors are checking him up

His mom is crying omg hyung…

Hyung, come over

A conflict of emotions rose inside his chest — should he laugh or should he cry, both out of happiness? Should he keep holding his breath or should he not be an idiot and pass out before getting to see his friend?

You know, as you do.

Shaking the shenanigans out of his head, Taeil put on the first denim jacket he saw in his bedroom and left his parent’s house trying to tie his shoelaces and walk at the same time. At the sight of that, from the living room’s couch, his father volunteered to drive him to the hospital to, according to the man, preserve the wellbeing of the passersby possibly suffering from the feral driving skills that apparently, Taeil had.

It was a nice and sort of offensive offer, but the man certainly regretted it when Taeil spent every second of the ride begging him to go faster. After agonizing fifteen minutes, Taeil jumped out of the car without even looking back to wait for his father to park the car and ran inside the building like a mad man.

His lungs and muscles in general didn’t think of that as a good idea from how much Taeil panted on the lobby, with his hands on his knees while he regained his breath just enough to be able to run four stairs up to the floor Johnny was staying — he didn’t want to wait for an elevator, he didn’t want to wait for anything. So he ran, like never before in his life, because at the end of that path was his friend, one that he missed dearly and prayed every day for him to be alright.

Taeil had some distorted belief that God always ignored his pleas on purpose, but maybe that time the Deity was really about to cut him some slack; maybe because it wasn’t for him that he pleaded for. He just wanted to have Johnny back, the same old Johnny who did so much for Taeil that the latter didn’t know how to start to repay.

Still puffing heavily, Taeil pushed the door that led to the fourth floor and his eyes immediately met with Doyoung’s, Ten’s and Johnny’s mother’s, sitting by the bench in front of Johnny’s private room.

“Hi, I—” A wheeze got in his way. “Did you… God, I ran…”

Everybody shared a look that Taeil couldn’t quite understand the motive for it, but it left him uneasy.

“Can I come in?” He asked, now paying attention to the crestfallen face of Johnny’s mother.

What could be wrong? Her son was awake. Oh, fuck… maybe there were any postoperative complications?

His overthinking was cut off by Ten’s voice.

“Hyung… He…”

“What?” Taeil blurted, looking back and forth between the three of them.

The hallway was silent as the dead of the night, even though the day was hardly over.

“You should go home, hyung.” Doyoung sniffled, pressing his hands against his own thighs like he always did when he was about to give some important speech. “I forgot to…”

Taeil didn’t know exactly why, but he was getting fed up.

“ _What_ , Doyoung? Is he awake? Did his situation get worse? What?”

“No, but—”

“Then what?” Taeil shook his head, chewing on his lower lip. “Mom, can I see Johnny?”

During the countless times Taeil had been to that hospital in the past week, Mrs. Seo was always there, looking out for her son. She basically never left Johnny’s side, but Taeil and Mr. Seo persuaded her to work on shifts so she could get a proper sleep.

It didn’t matter that Taeil sent Mr. Seo home a lot of times and stood by Johnny’s bed, waiting for him to come back to them.

Now, in her face, there was something that overpowered exhausted. Those were the times where Taeil hated how bad he was in reading people.

“I think…” She replied in a small voice as she turned her head to Jaehyun and Doyoung. “It’s better to let him know already.”

“What?” Taeil repeated himself, which was already getting on his nerves. “Forget it. I’m going to see him.”

Leaving behind the calls for his name, Taeil barged into the patient’s room without looking back, but his heart knew better that such thing was a massive leap of fate from him; now that what he wanted was happening, what was Taeil going to do? What was he going to say? He didn’t exactly plan it on the way there.

But Taeil was certain that it was worth it when he saw Johnny sitting in his bed, going through some magazine he didn’t really pay attention to, seeming bored to death.

“Johnny?” The older male called, with more expectation in his voice that he’d allow himself to show in his daily life. “It’s me. I’m here.”

Gently placing his magazine on his lap, Johnny looked up at him with the biggest puppy eyes he had ever seen the man display, not even when his friend really wanted something from Taeil. Johnny looked younger, somehow, as if a thousand of burdens had been lifted from his back.

Expectantly, Taeil watched as Johnny’s mouth opened to deliver a response that broke his heart.

“Who are you?”

The smile in Taeil’s face faded away like smoke in the wind, and his legs almost failed him when his brain put up the pieces of that situation together.

“It’s me, duh.” He snorted, even though he didn’t know why. “Taeil. Moon Taeil, uh? Your friend.”

“Oh…” Johnny looked down and away, gripping his bed’s sheet and smashing a nail on Taeil’s heart. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know who you are.”

His body betrayed his attempts to look composed in the way that Taeil couldn’t stop looking at Johnny and thinking how dumb could he be to ever think that that person was Johnny — his Johnny. His body, not Johnny’s soul. Where was his friend? Why did he leave Taeil behind?

A perfect time for his chest to start to feel as heavy as an anchor, wanting to drag him down as his whole body trembled.

“Johnny…” He mumbled, like a prayer that would make his Johnny come back.

“Are you a hyung…” The Johnny that didn’t know him gestured vaguely, as if he had genuinely arrived at that world in that very day. “Or a dongsaeng? I can’t tell.”

“Hyung.” A dry answer as Taeil’s nails buried themselves in his palms like a smothered scream. “I’m your hyung.”

“Sorry, hyung.” Johnny offered him a half-smile, which was something the older should be doing instead of panicking in the middle of his room. “The doctors said I might have temporary amnesia from the accident. I didn’t even know my name.”

“It’s okay.” Taeil responded in a heartbeat, because it was okay. It was fucking okay that Johnny was alive, and just that should matter. “I will… let you rest. You should… uh… rest.”

A response was offered to the brown-haired man sitting on a hospital bed through the wavelengths of the great speed that he used to bolt out of that hospital room and storm out of the hospital, only stopping when Doyoung grabbed his arm at the parking lot where his dad waited for him.

“Hyung, let’s talk.” He said, in his amiable tone of comfort.

“I don’t want to.” Now, Taeil looked up at him. “He doesn’t remember anything. What’s there to be said? What can I do about it? I can’t help fix that. I can’t help Johnny, even though he always had been there for me. What the fuck did I ever do for him, Doyoung? I can’t…”

An uncontrollable force drove him to bend his body as he broke into a sob, feeling Doyoung’s hand rubbing his back the entire time. It was sort of a code between them: Taeil rarely talked about what made him cry and Doyoung simply stood by his side, showing his support until the tears came to an end.

“He will get better.” The younger but taller abruptly said, watching Taeil use the sleeve of his denim jacket to wipe off the remainders of his episode from his face. “We will help him.”

“I just want Johnny back.” Taeil’s voice came out hoarse, so he cleared his throat. “I want Johnny back.”

“Me too, hyung.” Doyoung let out a weary sigh as he wrapped an arm around his hyung’s shoulder, accompanying the older man to his dad’s car. “Me too.”

 

* * *

 

No force in the universe was strong enough to make Taeil fall asleep that night. His mind kept rewinding that odd encounter with a Johnny that had been deprived of every single memory of his life, causing his heart to feel like it was being squeezed by an invisible hand hell-bent in making him cry.

Taeil didn’t, though. In the back of his mind, a small thought believed he had cried enough in the hospital’s parking lot while Doyoung patted him in the back — and he was grateful it was Doyoung, because the younger man was one of the three people Taeil was comfortable crying to, along with Yuta and… Johnny.

Always Johnny. No matter how far he tried to diverge his thoughts from him, his mind was drawn to Johnny in the most ridiculous ways, just like the time they were outside of a convenience store drinking banana milk and the taller man passionately spoke about how stupid were the people who thought the moon land was faked, which ended with Taeil having to run away from him because the older commented only a die-hard American would be so riled up about it.

Alone in the darkness of his bedroom, Taeil did two things:

  1. Laughed out loud at that remembrance.
  2. Decided what he needed to do.



 

* * *

 

_4 DAYS LATER_

A couple of knocks on the door later, Taeil waved at the man that called him a stranger.

“Can I come in?”

A female nurse was changing his head bandages, but still answered Taeil’s question.

“Yes, sure.” Pulling her arms down, she collected a tray full of gauzes and other medical apparatus. “I am done with Mr. Seo.”

“It’s okay to leave it like… that?” Taeil questioned, seeing that the nurse didn’t change his bandages into new ones, just took the old ones.

“Yes.” The middle-aged woman smiled, followed by a nod. “Mr. Seo is healing faster than the doctors expected.”

“Thank you.” Soft words left his mouth, but Taeil didn’t know why exactly he said that.

On her way out, the lady put her hand on his shoulder.

“Your friend will be fine.”

“You guys know that I’m here, right?” Johnny’s voice was booming, and Taeil bursted into a cackle whereas the nurse waved at her patient and left the room.

“So…” God, the difficult part had come. But Taeil trained in front of his mirror a million of times, so he could do that. He had to. “Your memory… still nothing?”

Johnny shook his head as he pursed his lips, seeming more disappointed than Taeil. The latter couldn’t even begin to imagine how one must feel without a single memory of their past, but in there laid his decision: he was going to do everything he could to help Johnny get his memory back, no matter what it takes.

“It’s okay.” The older man quickly replied, strolling towards his bed. “You woke up just a few days ago, you have time… oh God.” Without hesitation, Taeil ran his fingers through a part of Johnny’s hair that seemed to have been washed with glue. “What did they…”

It was _so_ not fair that his good and old puppy eyes still worked pretty well on Taeil, especially when the guy had no idea who he was, or what they had lived together.

“Uh…” Taeil jerked his hand away as if he had been burned, looking like a complete fool. “I’m sorry, I forgot—”

“That makes two of us.” Johnny deadpanned, with a serious mien that didn’t last much longer.

The younger cackled so hard that something in his stomach started to hurt by the _ouch_ he let out, bringing a hand over his belly.

“You okay?” Taeil ignored how something acrid spread across his chest at the sight of his friend in pain, focusing on the man. “Should I call—”

“No.” Faster than expected, Johnny reached out for his wrist to stop him from calling for help. The way that something in his chest twisted and pulled was also ignored. “I’m fine. You are… Taeil, right?”

“Yes.” A simple nod before burying his hand on the pockets of his bomber jacket. “Moon Taeil.”

The corners of Johnny’s mouth quirked up for a few seconds, like one does to a stranger that made a small act of kindness.

“Sorry Moon Taeil-ssi. I don’t remember a thing.”

“No, uh, it’s fine.” A more frantic nod, one that could be felt across his whole body. “It’s not like…” A stupid pause, his brain never worked well when he needed it to. “Sorry too. I just… wanted to see how… you’re doing.”

“I’m bored.” Johnny whined, and for a split second Taeil could swear he was the same Johnny he always knew. “Mo… Mother? Always seems sad when she comes by. She said I was driving and some guy fell asleep while driving and he hit us… Dude died, by the way. I felt sad to hear that, regardless of…” He gestured around himself and the room. “Everything.”

“That’s…” Taeil sighed, then wheezed. “A very Johnny thing to say. I get it, I guess.”

“So…” Gently, Johnny placed his hands over his legs like a kid trying to be well-behaved. “Tell me more, Taeil hyung. May I call you hyung?”

His eyes diverted from Johnny’s hands to the man’s face in a second, with a crease between his brows.

“Of course. We’re friends. I mean… you don’t remember, but we are friends.”

Taeil’s stomach did something weird when the other man smiled at him, patting a spot in the mattress beside him, but the older preferred to haul the metal chair from the corner of the room to place it beside Johnny’s bed.

“So, uh…” _Be cool, Taeil._ “Do you-What do you… want to know?”

“Anything.” He chuckled, leaning his back against the elevated mattress. Jesus, he looked good even with that greasy ass hair — not fair. “Why do I feel so at ease with you, for starters?”

Oh.

_Oh._

“We…” Taeil let out a fake cough, looking away. “We are friends, Johnny.”

“I’m also friends with those guys who came over yesterday, apparently. I didn’t feel like this with them.” Johnny shook his head, realizing the connotation that might have. “I mean, they were nice and somehow familiar, but… it’s just different with you. Are we dating?”

His wide eyes responded Johnny’s question before he opened his mouth.

“No, no, no. We—”

“We dated? Do I like you?”

“No, we are friends.”

“You seem rather adamant in insisting on that, hyung.” The little shit had the audacity of wriggling his eyebrows as if Taeil wasn’t about to explode from the heat covering his face. “Blushing ain’t helping.”

“Shut up.” Taeil muttered as he covered his face. “Just ask anything else.”

“Alright.” Johnny chortled, and Taeil could feel him shifting in position in bed. “How long have we known each other?”

“Four years. Ever since we were freshmen.”

“Hmm…” Quietly thinking, Johnny nodded at the answer. “Do I have a girlfriend? Boyfriend?”

“No.” _Nice_ , Taeil thought. “Not that I know of, anyway. You know almost everyone at the university.”

“Hmm… What’s my major?”

“Music, like me. You also do minor in Photography.”

“So I’m a…” Johnny fully turned his head to him just to mimic a camera on his hand as he closed one eye to take a fake picture. “Click click guy, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“What else? What kind of music I like, what’s my personality like… The others, especially my parents, come here with that pitiful and melancholic look… Man, that’s exhausting. I woke up and I have no idea who I am. What else am I gonna do instead of keep asking till I remember? What if I never…”

Just the thought of such idea crossing Johnny’s mind made Taeil feel like pure shit.

“Johnny…” The older got up and sat on the mattress next to Johnny, whose head was casted down. “You’re going to get your memories back, okay? You… Johnny, don’t be like this. I can only be strong if you are strong too, okay? Fuck, you don’t remember what this means…”

“Hyung.”

Johnny looked up with a tangible sadness in his eyes, making Taeil wish that he could go back in time to stop that accident from ever happening just so he wouldn’t have to see his friend so vulnerable. What probably resonated from his own eyes was something closer to Johnny’s, if the way the man looked back at him could reveal anything.

That was also when Taeil realized their faces were so close he could feel Johnny’s breath, hot on his cheek.

“If I’m strong…” Johnny’s tone was almost a whisper, but it reverberated through Taeil’s whole body.

“I’ll be strong too.” Taeil completed the sentenced for him, trying to run away from the glint in Johnny’s eyes. Quite impossible, though.

Johnny’s hand slowly moved upward towards his face, getting ridiculously closer just like he knew what he was doing to Taeil; the older man’s eyes never left him, no matter how much Taeil told himself that he should look away and end the possibilities of a disaster, that there was a chance that his desire would betray him, that maybe Johnny would start to think that Taeil felt something _more_ for him.

Even though that… well, he did.

And it scared the living shit out of him, of course. Taeil was slipping into Johnny’s arms with such serenity that he wondered how the hell he spent an entire year saying no to the younger’s attempts to ask him out, to be something more than just a friend. It didn’t matter at that moment, though.

First, because Taeil knew himself too well to believe the lie that told that he didn’t want something more from Johnny and second, because as skeptic about the universe as he was, he saw Johnny’s accident as a warning for him to get his shit together because life was short, but also very, very long when is to deal with things we avoid out of fear.

Fear that a possible relationship would get in the way of the perfect grades that made sure he didn’t lose his full scholarship, fear that letting someone in that deeply would be a mistake, even if that person was Johnny. The Johnny he saw crying because he saw a puppy that was too damn small. The Johnny who always went to the concerts Taeil invited him to just so he could put the older on his shoulders for a better view. The Johnny who took care of his friends whenever they needed it, especially the ones younger than him.

The Johnny…

The man Taeil had, undoubtedly, fallen in love with.

_Shit._

What saved him from doing something stupid was the sound of someone clearing their throat in the hospital room, and Taeil almost fell off the bed out of fright.

“Do we interrupt something?”

No need to turn around. He’d recognize Taeyong’s smug tone in the middle of a crowd. Without hesitation, Taeil buried his face into his hands.

“Who…” He felt a tug on his jacket, so he was forced to look up. Johnny seemed so… afraid. Johnny was never afraid, except during horror movies. It was a new reality to accept that Taeil was now the one to rely on. So, to help him realize what he meant, the younger tilted his head over Taeil’s shoulder.

“Oh.” Taeil suddenly realized that at least one of them was a stranger to him, so he turned around in bed. “You met Doyoungie, right? That’s his boyfriend, Taeyong. He’s same age as you. You two became friends when he started dated Doyoung two years ago.”

“That’s a nice introduction, hyung.” Taeyong snorted, sharing a playful look with his boyfriend. “Guess you two are already hitting it off?”

“I’m sorry…” Johnny’s voice behind him sounded so fragile Taeil wanted to keep him away from the world. “I don’t remember…”

He acted so differently with someone’s presence that Taeil felt a little weird of how comfortable Johnny was with the older man.

“We get it, hyung.” Doyoung knew how to read the room like nobody else, and felt Johnny’s slight discomfort right off the bat. “We can take it slow, uh? Your memory will come back.”

“Don’t know if that helps, but I brought a few macarons from my bakery for you. Maybe the taste—”

“Oh my God.” Taeil’s back was nearly smashed against the weight of his younger friend over him. The surprise was that his next sentence was entirely in English. “Please, please, I’ve been eating this hospital food and this ain’t it.”

Taeyong seemed to be the most fazed.

“You can speak English even without no memory?”

“You still talk too fast for me to understand.” Doyoung chuckled, placing two paper bags over the table across the room. “That’s a good thing, though.”

“Johnny.” Taeil patted his back gently. “You’re crushing me.”

“Oh.” The younger chuckled, hissing a bit as his body probably ached when he leaned his back against the mattress. “Sorry, hyung. I’m really craving something sweet.”

“How are you feeling, man?” Taeyong leaned over the bed, with a sheepish smile at the friend that didn’t remember him. “You can trust us, you know. It must be hard, but…”

“You just woke up.” Doyoung brought forth, crossing his arms as he stood beside Taeyong. “Let’s take it slow, okay? I know we are just… strangers to you now, but—”

With a chuckle, Taeyong turned his head to his boyfriend.

“He didn’t seem to be dealing with a _stranger_ with Taeil hyung when we entered…”

“Lee Taeyong.” Doyoung glared at him, whom only cackled harder. “I will smite you.”

“You won’t.” He shook his head, ending it with a pout. “I’m Cutieyong. Your Cutieyong.”

In unison, Johnny and Taeil let out a sound of disgust at the couple.

“That’s homophobic.” Taeyong claimed, with a grimace.

The oldest of them all rolled his eyes at his friend.

“I’m gay and Johnny’s bi. Doesn’t add up.”

“I’m bi?” Johnny inquired, with a childlike sincerity in his tone.

“Oh, sh-Sorry Johnny, I-” Although Taeil was having a quick mental breakdown, his friends thought it was pretty funny. “I didn’t mean… Shit, I don’t know if I should’ve said that.”

“No…” The man smiled, and _what a smile_ , holy shit. It could’ve melted steel. “It’s cool, hyung. You promised to help me remember things, right?”

“No, I said you… Sure, sure, I will help you.”

“That’s our best man on the job, Johnny boy.” Taeyong clicked his tongue on his way from the other side of the room, putting one of the paper bags from his bakery on the bed. “You can count on us too.”

“Oh my God…” Johnny almost melted at the sight of the macarons, immediately shoving one inside his mouth.

Taeil could only laugh at that giant so excited about pastry like a kid deprived of sugar.

“Thanks, Tae.” With a half-smile, he lifted his hand to high-five his friend. “Got a break at work?”

“Today is a calm day. Minhyung and Jaemin can take care of it for a few hours.”

Calmly, in his usual gentle way, Doyoung picked up a yellow macaroon and raised it above his head, as if he was about to do a toast.

“To new beginnings. For all of us.”

 

* * *

 

Taeil felt like a silly teenager about to do something stupid while he stood at the doorstep of Johnny’s parents’ house, a cozy two-story downtown coloring the dull street with its soft yellow tone.

Things were going well with Johnny, so what did he have to fear? His everyday visits to his friend at the hospital brought them closer, or just as close as someone who lost all their memories can be with a stranger that showed up saying they were their friend. They chatted mostly about music, but sometimes Taeil was caught up in one or two questions about himself that he didn’t know how to answer — there was still a lot that he wasn’t confident about his own persona, so he simply avoided it with a suggestion to watch videos on YouTube that the old Johnny used to enjoy.

In some other news, Taeil was sort of put in charge of washing Johnny’s hair once the stitches on his head were taken off and he was almost completely healed; his friend claimed it was Taeil’s own fault for criticizing the hospital staff’s work the day he came by with Taeyong and Doyoung, but it wasn’t like Taeil hated. He didn’t mind, except when Johnny started moaning out of nowhere because of, according to him, how “good” he was at it and Taeil had to channel a strong willpower to not blush like crazy in front of that huge brat.

But those days were over. Almost three weeks and a half after his accident, Johnny was released to go home, even though he still needed to drop by every week so that his doctor could check on his progress, adding a therapy session to his schedule to help with the memory loss.

Although he fully supported his friend, his thoughts need to focus on what happened right in that moment, where Taeil’s heart thumped so violently in his chest that he was afraid he could have a heart attack.

“Oh, Taeil!”

Instead, he let out the breath he was holding as soon as Johnny’s mother kindly opened the door to him. Taeil was still uncertain about crossing the threshold, though. God, he couldn’t make more of a fool out of himself.

“Come on.” She said, gently pushing him inside the house, which was pretty great since the heating system in it was something he appreciated a lot after facing a snowy morning. “Johnny is in his bedroom. You know where it is.”

“Oh…” His voice came out weak, mostly to himself.

He hadn’t seen Johnny ever since the day he got his discharge — five days earlier. They never mentioned it as the last time they’d ever chat in the hospital, tiptoeing around the topic in any way they could. There was never a “see you later” or “when I get out of here…”, but Taeil somehow felt a bit braver to face his friend in a new ambience when Johnny’s mother called to ask if he could come over to help her son familiarize with his own house — and for lunch.

“Alright.” Taeil’s tone came out awkward as he scratched the back of his neck and clung to the strap of his messenger bag.

Strolling towards the kitchen, Johnny’s mother left him alone in the middle of her living room. The anxiety that scratched his insides was back, but when all is said and done, it was his last string of boldness that drove him to that house, so Taeil simply took slow steps while trying not to drown in his overthinking. What’s the worst that could happen, anyway? If Johnny wasn’t very keen to see him again, he could always come back another time. They were building a good friendship again; it wouldn’t come to an end so easily.

So there was him, frozen at Johnny’s doorstep, quietly turning the knob before speaking out.

“Johnny?” He called for the younger man, still in the process of opening the door.

That’s when he heard noisy footsteps coming in his direction.

Taeil, incapable of having any reaction to what happened next, only had the time to close the door behind him after he was engulfed into a hug and lifted off the ground.

“HYUNG!” Johnny yelled, spinning around twice with the older in his arms; his hands under the back of Taeil’s thighs as he wrapped the older’s legs around his own waist had Taeil choking on thin air.

“Joh—”

For someone who was still recovering from a brutal car crash, that man surely still had enough strength to walk around with someone else in his arms.

Before the older man could notice, Taeil was smoothly placed on Johnny’s bed by its owner, who now hovered above him like a hawk, with hands on each of Taeil’s sides.

“Did you bring it? Where is it?”

His stupid brain completely shut down at the sight of the sunlight basking Johnny’s face like a bronze sculpture made by the Gods themselves — breathtaking, and painfully cliché. Everything about love seemed to be like that.

How was it possible that Taeil resisted that man for over a year? A mystery for science to unfold.

Johnny had picked him up like that countless times before; it became a thing that Taeil couldn’t help but to let the younger man do it because it put the brightest smile on Johnny’s face and wasn’t that bad to endure, nor made him feel those things before.

Those things, you know, like the goddamn butterflies in his stomach that were acting up too much.

“What?” Taeil mumbled, gaze still fixated on the taller.

“Snacks.” The other man laughed and frowned a bit, poking Taeil’s sides. “Please tell me you brought snacks.”

“Your…” A pointless throat-clearing and the older was pushing himself to sit up. “You should be careful. Your head…”

“It’s fine!” Johnny jolted backwards, like a puppy. “Look!” He pointed to the right side of his head, where the injury occurred. They had it shaved a bit during surgery, but now there was a whole undercut. “Cool, right?”

“Yes.” Taeil let out a deep breath, and the corners of his mouth quirked up. “But aren’t you… couldn’t it, like, let your wound too exposed and… But if you don’t mind…”

“You mean…” A pause. His hand brushed against his undercut, feeling the part where a scar was almost fully formed. “If I’m uncomfortable about it? No. And it’s cool, the doc said there wasn’t a problem with me doing it so… Now…” Johnny rubbed his hands like a cartoon villain, and Taeil chuckled. “Snacks?”

The shorter man shook his head in disapproval of Johnny’s antics and of himself for playing along with it.

“Come here.” Taeil called him, opening his messenger bag to reveal it some of the snacks Johnny liked the most, in an attempt to bring up any memory.

“Oh my God!” Another clap of hands, this time way louder as Johnny expressed amazement in English, quickly switching back to Korean. “Finally something that doesn’t have veggies in it!”

“Shh.” His warn came with a light slap on the younger’s arm as Taeil looked around in fear of getting caught. “Your mom might hear you and ban me to ever come back!”

“She wouldn’t.” Johnny said, in the process of shoving cookies in his mouth. “She likes that I’m comfortable around you.”

“You said that?” He asked, taking the snacks out of his bag.

“Yeah.” The sound of a chip being munched cut through the tiny silence, and Taeil caught himself smiling. “I don’t know anything about… well, everything, but I trust you, Mr. Moon Taeil. It just… feels _right_. I lost myself, but I found a safe place in you. For now, it’s enough.”

“That’s so lame.” Taeil joked before snorting, lying his back against the mattress. “When you get your memory back you’re gonna cringe really hard at this.”

“What if I _never_ do get it back?”

“You will. I promise you.”

That’s when Taeil knew he had crossed his own ethical limits, or own judgments. He was making promises he wasn’t 100% sure he would be able to keep, although his faith resided in the way Johnny smiled at his sentence, shoving his arm up and down to envelop Taeil into a hug in bed. It felt a little more intimate than it usually was, and Taeil was sinking in the amount of Johnny around him — it wasn’t a bad thing, and that was his goddamn problem. How to separate and control his feelings to how he should behave as a friend, who is helping another friend recover from an accident?

He was yet to find out.

“Anyway…” Johnny pulled back, propping his chin up on the palm of his hand to have a better angle of Taeil. “I thought about something and I think I can do it. Doc said it could be good, though.”

“What?”

“I’m going back to college when the new semester starts.”

That made the older man bolt upright in bed.

“What? Johnny, you—”

His friend simply rolled his eyes at Taeil.

“I don’t remember anything or anyone? We are _way_ past that, hyung.” Then he smiled, because he was still Johnny after all, with all those different kind of smiles that Taeil knew too well. A sheepish one, that time. “It can help me more than staying at home doing nothing. Uh… you know, uh… they want to take me back to America.”

Taeil’s legs went numb as his heart suddenly felt a twinge of pain.

“W-why?”

Johnny properly sat in bed first, cross-legged.

“They think it might make me remember old stuff first…” Johnny’s voice had no enthusiasm whatsoever. “Of like, when I was a child and… argh, I don’t know. Literally. I still feel… a bit awkward around them. I shouldn’t say this, right? They’re my parents…”

“I can’t even imagine, Johnny.” Taeil blurted out, not really sure why. “I mean, how is to not know anything about yourself. I really… I’m sorry.”

“You always say you’re sorry for things that aren’t your fault.” His friend shook his head, reaching out for Taeil’s hand. The latter flinched, but didn’t pull away. “Maybe that’s why I trust you.”

That took the older by surprise.

“You do?”

“Yeah.” A little chuckle. “You’re the first friend I’ve made since the accident.”

“Don’t let Doyoung hear you.” Taeil advised, with a cheeky grin. “He already thinks you guys are best friends like before.”

The younger man laughed again.

“But…” Taeil continued before a reply, to spout the most egotistical shit he had ever said. “I don’t want to be selfish. But don’t go.”

“Please.” Johnny said, leaning his head forward a bit. “ _Be_ selfish. I really don’t want to go to America. If we can convince them to let me go to uni…”

Each passing second made Taeil way more prone to give in.

“You don’t even know what you’re majoring in. It will be hard, Johnny.”

“I know, hyung.” He nodded, pouting a little. “I just can’t think of anything better right now. This… this accident already stole so much from me. I don’t want to lose a college year.”

“God…” Taeil sighed, resting his back against the mattress again. “Fine. I’ll try talking to your parents, but I can’t guarantee—”

“Thank you.” Johnny said, with such sincerity that could move one to tears. Not Taeil, but you get it. When he looked up at his friend again, Johnny was smiling at him. “I’ll work hard to get my memory back and to do well in college. I promise you.”

If any part of Taeil could have any doubt about Johnny’s memory loss, the latter’s last words ended such probability.

Johnny didn’t make promises; he was a show-rather-than-tell guy, claiming that promises were just a shortcut to the disappointment road. Perhaps such thing was what made him so special to Taeil’s eyes, for he could always count with sincerity when Johnny opened his mouth or did something. Perhaps such thing was one of the reasons of why he fell for him without realizing.

As to the matter regarding college, Taeil was frank with Johnny’s parents — like his friend, he didn’t believe that taking him all the way to America would be of much help by now, since it had been too long since Johnny moved out of the USA. Their son was used to that environment surrounding him, in Korea, where everyone he loved was.

Well, he fact that Johnny got on his knees in front of his parents and begged them to let him stay and go to college might have contributed more to why they gave in, though.

However, they inquired Taeil if he was ready to carry such responsibility on his shoulders and he said yes, of course he did. He said yes and didn’t consider that Johnny was a Junior whereas Taeil was a Senior, one year ahead of Johnny, which basically meant that Taeil would have to go through his entire past year to help his friend to study. He said yes and didn’t look back, because Johnny shot one of his blinding smiles at him and goddamnit, nothing seemed too hard with such sight in front of him.

No one could deny that learning the content of three years in three weeks was sort of impossible. Yet, Taeil went to Johnny’s house every single day to teach his friend at least the basic he should know as a Junior Music major; amnesiac Seo Johnny wasn’t a big fan of a bunch of terms and technicalities, but Taeil stayed with him as long as he needed to fully comprehend some things that even Taeil was fed up with.

So, as one can imagine, it wasn’t an easy endeavor to Taeil. He felt too exhausted to go home most of the days so he crashed on Johnny’s couch, only to always magically wake up alone in Johnny’s bed, upstairs. No matter how many times Taeil commented, over breakfast, that he didn’t mind sleeping downstairs, his friend only spared him a shrug while shoving spoon of rice in his mouth.

It felt like an eternity of weeks, but after arriving at Johnny’s house on their last day of freedom for the rest of the semester, Taeil decided it was time to make some things clear.

“Hey.” He waved at his friend, who was in the kitchen making a sandwich. “So… tomorrow we go back to our dorms. You’re going to be with Jaehyun, okay?”

A quick grimace crossed Johnny’s face as he placed the final piece of bread over all that cheese.

“Sure.” The taller nodded as he took a bite of what he made.

Dragging himself on top of the counter stool, Taeil let out a weary sigh.

“Johnny… We talked about this. You were the one who wanted to go to college, right? Your roommate is Jaehyun. I thought you two were going well, uh? He came over a lot lately, like the others. I saw you two chatting. He’s nice, isn’t he?”

“He is.” Johnny put the sandwich down, staring at Taeil again. “Handsome, too.”

Taeil’s forehead creased, as if out of instinct.

“He’s your _friend_.” He reminded the younger man, with emphasis in the last word. “You can trust him just like you trust me. You trust me, right?”

“I do. I’m just… afraid. I feel the same way when I woke up with zero memories, drowning in the unknown. I’m drowning in anxiety.”

“Johnny…” As expected, Taeil didn’t know what to say, or what to do. It wasn’t his fault he was bad at consoling others. “You’re not alone this time. I know you don’t remember anything yet, but you have me. Our friends too, you can ask them for help at any time. You have my number, you know where my room is… I don’t have classes on our first day, so I’ll show you around so you won’t get lost. Trust me, okay?”

“Thank you.” He almost murmured, but Taeil heard it well. “I’ll work hard to get my memory back, hyung.”

Johnny’s smile was hard to decode, but never failed to make life a little less grey.

 

* * *

 

Ah, the return to college and the cruel reality that Taeil still had to spend another year in that expensive heterosexual-filled piece of Seoul with too many stairs to climb. He wondered if they couldn’t trade those endless stones for escalators, because God was his witness that carrying his suitcase up two floors almost killed him every goddamn time.

His building was as noisy as expected of a bunch of undergrads returning from the winter break into a new semester; he had seen at least twelve shirtless men yelling while chugging cans of beer in the first floor. It was not an easy duty to keep a cigarette on his lips while hauling his luggage up to the final step, but Taeil reminded himself that he wouldn’t be needing to do that for much longer, so that kind of consoled him.

Taking a puff from his cig, Taeil watched it mingle with the icy air of that Monday morning when his vision shifted to the person crouched down next to his room.

Astonished, he lowered the cigarette and squinted at the man.

“Johnny?” Taeil dragged his suitcase with him to meet his friend. “What are you doing here? Jesus, it’s freezing.”

The younger waited till Taeil was standing next to him to respond.

“Had nowhere to go.” Johnny mumbled, with a light shrug.

It was a bit infuriating how warm his chest got as he stared at Johnny’s cherry pouty lips, combined with expectant eyes that gazed at him as if he had all the answers in the world. The younger’s running nose combined with his reddish face wasn’t supposed to be endearing at all, but Taeil’s heart made an exception to that idiot freezing himself to death outside his door.

“Come on.” He gestured to Johnny to get up and tossed his cigarette on the floor, stepping on it to put it off.

A short silence ensued between them as Taeil reached for his dorm keys on the back pocket of his jeans.

“You don’t look like someone who smokes.” His friend remarked.

When the door didn’t swing open at his first attempt to get in, Taeil cackled at Johnny’s insight.

“I look boring, I know.”

“No.” On his peripheral vision, the taller man shook his head. “At least not to me. What did I use to think about you smoking?”

In the first attempt with a different key, Taeil finally unlocked his room’s door and pushed his suitcase inside without a second look.

“Never a fan.” He let out a heavy sigh, stretching his arms up his head. “But you never—”

“Why there’s a vending machine in this floor?” The man looked over Taeil’s head down the hallway.

“Oh.” Turning around to face the thing, Taeil buried his hands in the pockets of his thick beige coat. “No one really knows. It has just been there for like, ten years. The university tried to get rid of it a few times, but it always reappeared here, on that very same spot. It never runs out of food, although no one ever saw who refills it.”

“That’s fucking weird.” Johnny concluded.

“Ah.” Taeil’s eyes widened as he was reminded of something. “That’s also where we first met.”

In a split second, Johnny’s mien suddenly darkened a little.

“Wish I could remember.” He said, sorrowfully staring at the vending machine.

“Soon.” Taeil answered with faith, squeezing Johnny’s cold hand to get his attention. “For now… inside, young man.”

His tall friend chuckled at his antics, but made his way inside Taeil’s room, who followed him right after.

“My bed is that one.” Taeil pointed at the one on the other side of the spacious room as he made his way to his bathroom, one of the few good things that university that to offer. “Jaehyun is not here yet?”

“No.” The other man replied a little louder than usual, probably thinking Taeil couldn’t hear him well while the older washed his face. “He texted me saying he’ll come just after lunch.”

“You hungry?” At the bathroom’s doorstep, Taeil asked. “I could order or…”

“No…” Johnny muttered, with his arms buried between his legs that were tightly pressed against each other.

Taeil’s heart dropped to his stomach out of worry and he darted across the room, leaving the towel he had in hands to fall on the floor.

“Are you okay?” He put a hand on Johnny’s back, rubbing it gently; his friend, on the other hand, had his head almost fully bent over his lap. “Where does it hurt? Johnny?”

A raspy, muffled voice came from his friend to answer to him. It was kind of funny how someone so big like him could seem so small when whining.

“I’m coooooooold.”

Finally, Taeil could breathe easily again.

“Christ…” The older smacked him in the shoulder. “Don’t scare me like that. Did you bring your meds? You gotta take them a—”

“I’m taking them.” Another muffled response emerged. “Cold.”

“I’m getting my comforter. Wait a min—”

“No.”

The first thing Taeil felt was the tug, then his feet almost twirling with the strength of it that dragged him back to stand in front of Johnny. The action seemed effortless to the younger man, whose grip was still on Taeil’s wrist.

“What?” Taeil questioned, full of confusion.

Johnny’s back returned to its usual sitting position and he quickly opened Taeil’s coat only to press his head against Taeil’s belly, covering his head with it as if it was a blanket.

He could feel Johnny’s goddamn lips murmuring something against his skin, Jesus Christ.

Only God knows how much self-control was needed for the shorter man to not squeal as soon as he felt that amount of closeness.

“You’re warm.” Johnny casually said, and Taeil prayed to every saint in heaven that his friend wouldn’t hear how badly the butterflies in his stomach were acting up.

It got worse when Johnny wrapped his arms around his waist and there was barely any distance left between them, which was nothing but a huge problem in the big picture. There was no way he wouldn’t be spending the rest of his life thinking about Johnny’s tender touch.

What the hell had Johnny turned him into? A stupid, horny…

_Not the moment to have that kind of thoughts, Taeil. Shut up._

Briefly as he swallowed and gathered enough strength, Taeil pulled Johnny’s arms away from him and took several steps backwards that he hoped that led him to Christ and eternal purity.

“Stop playing around.”

The other man wheezed, dropping his back against Taeil’s mattress.

“I’m not. Come here, I need a source of warmth.”

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Taeil let a simple realization dawn on him.

That was going to be a _long_ year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fr i'm not quite satisfied with how this chapter went, so sorry if... idk
> 
> this was a sort of good build up to the story that happens mostly in college so we'll be getting more johnil in college soon! also another surprise in the next chapter
> 
> as always, sorry to keep the updates really slow. thank u for the comments and kudos <3

**Author's Note:**

> so, how is it going?  
> my name is jaci and you can find me on twitter at [@chwkdy](https://twitter.com/chwkdy/) for more complaints on the johnil drought and a multifandom mess.
> 
> the updates might be a little slow, but they will be worthy of the wait. i have another WIP i'm working on so it's good for me to work on two different themes at the same time so i won't get bored~~
> 
> [here's a playlist of songs i listen while writing this story, bc i love playlists](https://open.spotify.com/user/jacidms/playlist/7kVqQrgm6mTXNVWGmkaf6H?si=x8pRL4QmQ4uEhi9-RphUxw)
> 
> anyways, thank you for reading and remember to drink lots of water!


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